Want A Total Mind F*ck? Have Kids

Kids. They never cease to amaze me. After a Saturday that included me doing the ugly cry, hamster cage cleaning, and a cancelled trip to a farm as a fun outing because STOP FIGHTING AND BEING MEAN TO EACH OTHER AND OMG, WHY CAN’T YOU TWO JUST GET ALONG, I was at my wits’ end. It was one of those days where Hockey Playing Husband hesitated before opening the door when he came home from work for fear of what he would witness. He had been reading my desperate texts all afternoon.

Know what could have prevented all of that?  Sister wives, that’s what.

Then came Sunday. It was the Terry Fox run and for the fourth year, the DeVellis Clan participated. Typically I run with Speed Skating Son while Hockey Playing Husband and Hockey Playing Son run together. When it comes to events like this, I let me kids lead the way. I run when they run, I walk when they walk.  Last year Speed Skating Son made it to the 1k mark without stopping. I remember having to coax him along for the last 100m or so.  “C’mon, you can see the sign. Don’t stop now, you can do it.”

This year I reminded him that he ran the first kilometer without stopping and asked him if he had a goal for this year. He responded with, “I’m going to run the whole thing without stopping.”

And god damn if he didn’t. Not only did it but channeled his inner E. and made me sprint at the end, godhelpme.

If you want to get in shape, take up speed skating. Not. Even. Kidding.

Then there is Hockey Playing Son, he who does not want to try anything new. At the end of every Dryland Training session, we have to run. It’s not long–at the peak, it was 10 minutes–but running after doing squats and lunges and sprints is hard. There are always three people who head the pack and typically they lap me at least once. Shocker, I know.

Two week’s ago, Hockey Playing Son joined in and guess who kept up with the head of the pack for the first three minutes. Keep in mind that for every one of their strides he has to take two.

So I ran over to M. and was all “You need to drag him onto the ice to try speed skating” and after the run, M. said something to Hockey Playing Son about trying a class. Apparently M. is magic because Hockey Playing Son actually started to consider it.

Anyhoo, long story short…we came thisclose to having Hockey Playing Son give it a go but in the end, he decided not to. *Shrugs Shoulders*

The thing is, I’m not even the least bit sad–even though it would have made my life 100 times easier with two kids at the same rink, at the same time, on the same schedule–because the next day, the boy who does not like to try anything new signed up for Cross Country at school on his own. ON HIS OWN.

I’m pretty certain they do these things just to mess with my head.


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About Sharon

Sharon DeVellis is a mother, wife and writer who can uncork a wine bottle in less than 10 seconds but buys twist-offs for emergencies. She’s currently in therapy to stop talking about herself in third person.
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7 Responses to Want A Total Mind F*ck? Have Kids

  1. Parent Club says:

    I’m totally with you. Kids are so unreliable. DD2 has been totally against karate all her life and then said last week “maybe I’ll try karate” only to completely flip flop on that the next day.

  2. Trish says:

    When we are having a “why can’t you two just be civil day” I just threaten to force them to hold hands sitting quietly on the couch for 15 minutes. Suddenly kids are a lot more able to handle their BS with that threat coming their way. (And I am not even kidding)

    But aren’t those surprises some of the best part?

  3. Jeni says:

    Sharon, I read once that there is a special place in heaven reserved for mother’s of boys. (I have one, so I am choosing to believe this.)

    When we are both there, I will buy you a round.

  4. Sorry you had a crappy day. You know what your husband should have done? He should have opened the door slowly, slipping a big bottle of wine through the crack, waited until you chugged a glass (or sipped it in a ladylike manner) THEN come in. Bearing chocolates as well. But sister wives would work too.

  5. Candace says:

    Did the hamster cage cleaning cause the ugly cry? Because I know when I have to go pick up the dog poop, it brings tears to my eyes.

    • Sharon says:

      Know what makes me cry? Opening my pantry door and finding out one of the hamsters escaped during the middle of the night and has been making himself at home around all of our food.

      Also slicing onions.

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