I’ll Take Things That Start With “S” For $500, Alex


The stretching program Hockey Playing Husband ordered for me came in the mail and I was all “Oh, goody!”


I can officially say I hate stretching. As Hockey Playing Husband pointed out, I’m completely inflexible–although I hope he’s talking only about my muscles and not our relationship. It took me 30 minutes and I hated every second of it. But seeing as how my fingers have not touched my toes in about 30 years, clearly I need to do it.

When I emailed Hockey Playing Husband to let him know I had done my stretches for the day–that’s called accountability–and “Oh, by the way, I’m meeting a friend for drinks tonight. Totally forgot to tell you.” he emailed back and said, “That’s good. You earned a drink tonight,” which was when I thought this whole husband training me thing might not be so bad after all.

Also, he’s already helped me understand what I’m doing wrong with my positioning and the proper way to push out with my legs when I’m skating. Unfortunately, the way my brain works I need to understand the why of something before I can get my body to do it. He gets that. This is also good.

Which brings me to…


I still can’t wrap my head around starts and how you’re supposed to lean forward and almost ‘fall’ into your start but what I don’t get is if you’re leaning all your weight onto your front foot, doesn’t that make if more difficult to lift up that foot to take a step.

My mind is not understanding this at all.


I’m afraid of spiders. HUGELY afraid. If I see one, I scream. If I have one on me, I flail about like a mad woman until it’s off and end the flailing with a set of full body shudders. If there’s one in the house I place a glass over it and wait for Hockey Skating Husband to come home and get rid of it. My kids think it’s hilarious so one day they challenged me to hold a tarantula at some reptile place I took them to. And because I’m always on them about trying new things, I did it, but not without silently cursing them in my head–zipperholes–and then I freaked the frick out. Spiders are my Achilles heel.

So every bloody week at dryland training when we are face down in the grass doing “Superman” and planks, all I can think is spiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspiderspider

It totally messes with my head.

p.s. I’m sorry if this is so discombobulated. I have exactly 1 1/2 hours to myself while Hockey Playing Son is at camp and in that time I have to write, clean, run, do weights and stretch. I’m like SuperMom on crack.

p.p.s. I run a 10k race in three weeks and have done absolutely no distance running all summer.


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About Sharon

Sharon DeVellis is a mother, wife and writer who can uncork a wine bottle in less than 10 seconds but buys twist-offs for emergencies. She’s currently in therapy to stop talking about herself in third person.
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12 Responses to I’ll Take Things That Start With “S” For $500, Alex

  1. Pingback: You Want Me To Put Those Balls Where? | Speed Skating Mom

  2. Matt says:

    Snakes are my “S” word. Ick
    An “S” word I love is Sangiovese!

  3. Spiders are evil.
    That is all

  4. Kaari says:

    Right there with you on the stretching! in fact, we might have the same “skater stretching” DVD… which I don’t use nearly enough. My chiropractor spent a lot of time getting me to where he could get my tight hamstrings somewhat loosened…and i got a rather disapproving “hmmmmm….” from him when he checked them again recently. Yeah, I’ve been slacking on the stretching! As for the starts, can’t help ya because long track starts (which I suck mightily at) have a more balanced weight distribution before you do the first step with front foot/push with back. I think. Or I could be wrong, which would help explain why 10-year-olds routinely beat me off the line…

    • Sharon says:

      It’s going to be a long, slow, painful process, Kaari.
      And if it makes you feel any better, my 10-year-old kicks my ass in starts. He’d also beat me in a race.

  5. Kat says:

    Great! Now all I’m going to think of when doing post-run stretching is spidersearwigsspidersspidersearwigsspidersearwigs.

  6. Alison says:

    That stretching program seems interesting. Do you have a link?
    Spiders are freaky. As for starts, isn’t your first step with back foot? Then as you step forward, you can pick up leading leg that had all the weight on it. I might have been doing them wrong, I was better at longer distances so I could catch up after a bad start.

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