If you’re someone who doesn’t have kids I’m about to share with you one of the biggest lessons in parenting.
RAISING CHILDREN IS VERY FRUSTRATING.
Meet Hockey Skating Son.
Hockey Skating Son takes after his dad and has a natural athletic ability. He’s also pretty fearless which means I get to watch him do stuff like skateboard down ramps and ride bikes with no hands. He picks up on things quite easily and is quite physical for someone his age. Case in point: Last night I was working out in the basement and he came down to keep me company. Once I was done sprints on the treadmill he told me he was going to run 3km at 5.0 without stopping.
And he did.
Just like that.
Last week when he was at his grandparent’s house he and Speed Skating Son hooked up a pulley system in the garage. They attached a chair, Hockey Skating Son sat down in it and using only his hands pulled himself up the ceiling.
The frustration part comes in because he doesn’t like to try new things unless he’s pretty sure he’ll be good at it. Every sport he’s ever tried, we’ve signed him up for even though he was adamant he didn’t want to do it. But we signed him up anyway because we knew he’d like it. Baseball, soccer, hockey–he loves all three now but would never have known if we hadn’t been “those” parents.
But even this past year he’s had a love/hate relationship with hockey because it was his first year and he thought all of the kids were better than him. Which, mostly they were, only because they had already been playing for three or four years.
In the past I had suggested he try speed skating because it would go well with his personality and the types of things he loves (Speed! Danger!) but I’ve pretty much given up on that. Recently I suggested that this school year he try out for the track and field. Nope, not going to happen. Even with his much beloved skateboarding it’s a struggle. If there are other kids at the skateboard park he won’t go.
Not wanting to try if he’s not good is a ripple that is not limited to only sporting endeavours, it affects every area of is life.
I’m not a pushy mom and want my kids to be happy but this whole not trying thing? I can’t even describe the inner frustration I have when I see so much natural ability and a love for athletics only to have it blocked because he won’t try if he’s not good.
That’s it. No lessons here today. Today I’m the one who needs help.
I talk to him about being a role model for his peers and his younger siblings. I also talk about good butterflies (nerves) and how awesome it feels when you accomplish something and they all fly away
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I am a non-tryer. DD2 is a non-tryer. It frustrates me that she won’t even open herself up to new experiences…than I look at myself in the mirror. Friggin apple doesn’t fall far from the friggin’ tree.
I was like that when I was a kid. I still am, to an extent. I was really good at things – athletic, academic, or otherwise – but I didn’t want to participate if I knew there were kids better than me. And I didn’t. No amount of encouragement could make me. My parents just made sure to give me opportunites and put me in lessons for anything I showed the least bit of interest in. As a result, I know how to do a lot of things, but I never excelled at anything.
I’m not saying to give up trying. It sounds like he’s afraid – of failure, of the spotlight, of rejection from “better” teammates. Maybe you could give him the opportunity to get confident in his skill before encouraging him to join a team?
I feel your pain. My 15 year old is a soccer keeper and it’s a love/hate thing for her. She’s very competitive but the losing is painful. She worries about her teammates and their parents, and the coach; all of it can be too much sometime. However, when in doubt, I have found, keep quiet, as long they are active and happy. I have found that she will inevitably get back on the horse and play better the next game, not because of anything I said. Pushing her too far has a reverse effect and so it’s a fine balancing act. I know that she recently asked me why I had never pushed her to do something recently and I asked her if she would have done it because I told her to. She had the good grace to blush and agree ‘probably not’. Unfortunately, anything you say will be held against you. I like to think the positive vibes I send through my thoughts help in the end. Good luck!
DD1 was like this for quite a while. The change? Different school where she is in classes with kids who are more like her (identified as gifted) plus success in rep-level soccer. Now she’ll try most things with little prodding. Next on the list, medieval reeannactments and archery…which she is looking forward to surprisingly.
You are describing my Benjamin, who is 7, and the most athletic kid I know when you talk about your hockey son. Hockey is everything to Ben, soccer a close second, he never stops moving, did baseball, plays tennis with his grandfather and is about to take a tennis camp…yadayadayada. After dinner he races his bike up and down the street and through every obstacle he can find…he will randomly run in circles around a few neighbour’s yards, just because he CAN…
Is that a pic of MasterCard Centre?
The not wanting to try thing is foreign to me though. I can understand how frustrating it is, since you can see that he will love it and be good at it, but he can’t (yet). I spoke to a mom at the pool yesterday whose son was hockey obsessed until now. I asked her, did you sign him up for the upcoming season? She said he doesn’t want to play this year, but she took a risk thinking that as soon as half the class is off to practice, her kid will be upset that he didn’t get signed up….
It’s a game of yo-yo, this parenting thing.
It truly is a game of yo-yo and sometimes I feel like I got whacked in the head while attempting the around-the-world.
Your son and my son sound like they’d get along famously – we could send them to run until they are all tuckered out
Just keep talking him through it. Our son is the same and it does get better as they mature. He’s athletic, good hockey player, loves cycling, but put him in front of others when he’s not done it before and you get an, “I suck,” from him. Once we nudge him firmly he’ll do it and be good at it. I’m sure others will disagree with this method, but my kid’s happy face once he does something new is enough vindication.
The nudging is sort of working for us but there’s always that fine line. One thing that works is if someone else makes him do it. So if I suggest he try something new, it’s a no but if someone else were to suggest it, we’re more likely to get a yes.
The teenage boy absolutely hates it when mom tries to suggest he join something because I believe he would be good at it. He does play soccer every year, but I did sign him up at five years of age, so he wasn’t really able to stop me then. He will be starting university next month, and I suggested he join rowing since he enjoyed it in grade twelve. Well he got mad at me, and basically told me to shove off and stop pushing him to join things. I don’t get it. He is very athletic, rides for kilometres but won’t join a cycling team. I give up.
LOL! I think that my biggest worry is how he won’t try anything if he thinks he won’t be good and god forbid, he tries something once and isn’t good. It’s all downhill from there.
I so needed to read this today. Feeling like a frustrated mother most months …because this is so much my daughter’s reality too. All the ability and none of the passion if not perfect. Shy at times and fights me all the way to each sign up. The last was soccer we just finished. After tears, brooding and telling her father she was not happy with me signing her up against her wishes – alas SHE actually enjoyed herself !! So much do she will try indoor soccer now. Same story with track, hockey, etc , etc, etc. Thanks for your serendipitous post today.
It’s always nice to know we aren’t alone, isn’t it?
My boy can be that way with academics (like putting his hand up or answering questions in front of his peers). Drives me bonkers!!!! He is really, really bright. But he hides behind the “I don’t want to do it in case I get it wrong”
So what do you do to encourage him to try?
You are not “one of those parents”. You are dealing with one of the more insidious of anxiety’s hallmarks: avoidance. Many people, especially perfectionistic and highly talented people, are afraid to begin for fear of failure. Understanding what is going on may be the first step. Then follow up with small, achievable steps. Maybe just go and “check out the skateboard park” but have the board in the trunk. Ask a coach if you can attend a practice just to see. Doing not avoiding, small steps followed up with loads of positive reinforcement can work wonders.
Plus he has you for a mother. Another wonder.
xo